In a funk

This is not a fun post. Its rather sad, or dull. Either way its not typically me.

I'm in a real big funk this week.

This was the week to get ALL of my landscaped beds weeded (there are over 25 and counting). I was to clean all of my pigeon pens, sheep pens in the barn, pick up around the yard and in the drought, even mow every one's yard in anticipation of the end of the month. Little did I remember that its Labor Day weekend. Ugh where has my mind been?

I've had no desire to get any of this accomplished and I think I'm overwhelmed. I typically get like this in the winter when I'm bored and have cleaned the house from ceiling to floor, every closet and cupboard scrubbed and cleaned and organized.

But this is August. And I think it has to do with family. No family is perfect. Every one has its family issues or arguments. This week has been weighing heavily on me. My dad and I seem to disagree about everything, especially when it comes to how to farm, where to put the emphasis on and about my sister's dogs.

I'm mechanically inept and have asked several times to learn how to do things for my own equipment (I run a lawn care and landscaping business) but to be quite honest I hate it. Anything to do with mechanics and they always seem to happen when I'm in a rush. For the past few days my primary mower has been waiting to get its blades sharpened and new shear pins put in. Tonight I find that I need new threads on a spindle (whatever that means) and I'm now two solid days behind schedule. But that's not my parents fault or my sisters. Its mine. I let it go this long. Too stubborn to ask for help again and too hurt to talk to most of my family.

My dad said some things last night that really hurt me and typically in our Ramsay style of arguments, are forgiven and forgotten by the following morning.....with everyone acting normally and without guilt, disgust or anything. Its an odd situation but it seems to work.

Living 100 yards from my entire immediate family would be a dream come true to most people. I don't typically see my family much but it seems that when I do we either get into arguments or into discussions I don't want to get into.

Everyone has long days, add onto that stress from work, life situations and other factors. Heck that's what makes us human. I wish I were a dog or sheep. They have a lot less to worry about.

Today I tried to busy myself with around the farm duties. I did all my chores. I unloaded a wagon of small square straw bales. I tilled and weeded what's left of my sorry looking garden. I watered some of the trees and turned the sprinkler on my row of Red Osier Dogwood shrubs. Usually being busy keeps my mind off of things.

I"m not one to dwell or stew about something, and I try to forgive those for their mistakes or flaws or faults. Heck I'm not perfect, no one is. I think its deeper than that.

I'm lonely.


I live alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone (well with 5 Cardigans too), I work alone and I'm on the road to dog shows and sheep shows alone. Everyone thinks I'm the life of the party, and I can be, but its really about being with people. That's why I go somewhere every weekend. To stay sane. This town I live near is a great place to raise a family or retire with your loved one, but its not for single twenty-somethings. Or maybe not just me.

Every year I sit and think "what would life be like somewhere else? What would it be like doing a different job where there were other people to interact with? Would I appreciate my evenings alone more? Would I not be blogging about this for all 7 billion people on the planet to read?

I do a lot of soul searching. Lots of praying, or talking to God. I've been on a Christian music kick for the past few weeks, hoping that that will lift my spirits. I've been reading the Bible more diligently. It seems that the songs that stick out in my head are of forgiveness and of Salvation. The Praise and Worship songs are the ones that I love to lift my hands to the Heavens and praise His name. Maybe this is a wake up call from the Lord; maybe I'm just depressed and am trying to seek comfort in His Word.

I was baptized, confirmed and raised a Lutheran-Missouri Synod. Out in a country church where all of my ancestors are buried and where they went to church while farming the same land we are today. Its a neat place to worship, but really not what my body and soul are looking for.

I also think that by being single I feel less of a person because I am not 'going on dates' 'showing photos of my babies' or taking kids to classes (dogs don't count here). I'm not sure what it is, but I hope I realize soon what it is and start to walk the road to fix it.

So if you are Christian, please pray for me, and think of me these next few days or weeks. If you are someone who believes in 'balance' and karma, think good thoughts for me and hope that whatever my doings are, that they be fixed ASAP.

At any rate I hope to be over this soon, and figure out what to do.

Sorry for the ramblings